Mirror Mirror on the Wall...

who's the most worthless ass of them all???

all this talk about underwear has got me a-wonderin'...how many worthless asses can I really nail to the wall...a wall like no other wall...
it'll be a Dishonor Roll Wall, a Hall of Shameful Asses Wall..asses who have lied, cheated, committed fraud, and otherwise tried to screw with America and the Santa Barbara area over the last few years...and oh my, there's a bunch of asses..some I've named, some whom I've never even met yet, but surely will, one way or another... Some that you recognize, some that you've hardly even heard of...some of their misdeeds include driving drunk after which their private employer promoted them! firing people for joining the union! blindly supporting the Iraq invasion, then holding fraudulent war rallies at Harley Davidson! lying to the judge! pretending to be a doctor of psychology and fraudulently making money from it! supporting rightwing economic theories that derailed Wall Street with greed, avarice and more fraud! private companies stealing worker pensions! non-profits worth over $50 million like People's Self Help Housing begging for taxpayers money...city councils giving it to them to curry favor..as you can see it's an endless list.. so who are these people?

Some of them are members of the bored rightwing bourgeoisie and are leftovers from the Nixon/J.Edgar Hoover era...they lie, cheat, snoop, lie some more, abuse power, lie again, wear women's underwear..and are more fascist than American! They think government is evil unless they need protection, then they cry like babies when someone scares them! Protect me Uncle Sam!Protect me!! They are afraid of their own shadows!!
A government of, by and for the people is AMERICA!
Above all, these hacks hate free speech! HATE IT!! They hide behind money walls like PARASITES and piss on the working class, then they start crying when the working class pisses back! An age-old tradition: a pissing contest between the forces of light the forces of evil!
I congratulate them all for making it onto the first annual WALL OF WORTHLESS ASSES!!
All in All...
you're just another brick in the wall..

Once Upon a Time...

Some of you out there would rather I deal in fairy tales than the biting political/social satire I usually provide...ok..let's try!

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 am. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.He took care of everything." The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!Tell me his name! "Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, the something eater." _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend? "Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?" _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy. "Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy." _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Did you know..Captain Hook died from jock itch. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked.She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here. "Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,"What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees," said Tarzan...
swamp

a fish called Wendy....

Quarantine Republicans...

This spring and summer, which look to be a good ones, need to be protected. The birdies are out singing, the flowers are blooming, the air is filled with a lemony fennel fragrance..it's just lovely! So what or who could possibly poison such an idyllic setting? HYPER-CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS..the irrelevant political party. They've gotten so many things wrong in the past 8 years, they have been reduced to the playpen, occasionally shouting and crying about liberal agendas destroying America..I am not going to waste my time changing their diapers! A quarantine would isolate them for a while, like a leper colony..we could ask the Chumash to buy some big boats and take the conservatives to the Channel Islands for the summer..to pull out native plants!

My brilliant idea was hatched after reading the latest from Gina Perry at the Daily Sound and Wendy McCaw's News-Press. First Gina: she thinks that grades K-6 are being dumbed down to teach Mexican kids English! But really, how do you "dumb-down" a 2nd grader?? I can see the Daily Sound being dumbed down by adding Gina as a columnist, that's obvious. But a 2nd grader? They don't know anything yet!!
and Wendy's claim that UCSB students should not be allowed to vote because Steve Pappas lost the 3rd District election to Doreen Farr! Two wealthy rightwing newspaper owners, Wendy McCaw and Nancy "Fats" Crawford-Hall don't want students to vote! What kind of fascist agenda do these two pudgey bitches have..anyway?? The real issue is when rich people attempt to buy an election and then lose, they blame and sue! Add Steve Pappas to the list of News-Press sock puppets who can't get power the honest way! Dimwits...
Republicans..your island paradise awaits!

Waste Not..Want Not..

no trash talkin' smeary venomous ad hominems today folks!

ok, now that I've exposed the SBCTA (hey..what happened to their website SBCTA ??) for what they are..a bunch of damn hillbillies..I need to expose the real problems in the city of Santa Barbara. There is nothing wrong with paying employees who work the essential services, that's what Public Works is all all about..where the city has lost its way is the green jobs created...Creeks Supervisor for example makes $90,000/year to wage a war against invasive species...fire him/her immediately and let the Parks Dept take care of creek maintenance..all that's needed is a quarterly or semi-annual cleaning.. otherwise, leave the plants alone.
Storm drains..you don't need a separate treatment scheme...putting screens or cages on the drains encourages flooding and back-up...instead, go back and do what the city used to do..clean the beaches with a tractor! I used to sit out in the morning sun at East Beach with a cup of 7/11 and watch the tractor go by, dragging a rototiller..afterwards the beach looked great! Simple! Fine people for littering..$1000...

and now for the first or second time on santabarbarnewspressblog.com.. an advertisement!

Get the new Flip Mino! a little camcorder that looks like a washing machine.....why pay $89 for a digital camera that can do the same thing when you can buy a FlipMino that does less? only $178 at Nippers.com.. get yours..today!!

now, back to the Naked City..Managers..go thru the city depts and get rid of overlapping management...three or four supervisors per dept is too many! Get lean and mean! Non-essential services like dog-walker should be stopped! This ain't Mayberry!! Stop all projects that threaten the city's history..De La Guerra Plaza doesn't need anything but a few benches! Stop harassing the homeless..they don't bother me at all! Freedom isn't pretty sometimes..
Now, the council needs to stop all this political ping pong and get to work..get back to basics, show some leadership and individuality...oh wait a minute, this is the political season..keep up the theater then..I'm rather enjoying myself!

Political Incest...

equals funny looking babies...

I do not support incest! It seems you gotta be really lazy to do it with your kin...it's not natural in the natural world, altho it happens, and it is not good in the political world, where it also happens. I will show you what I'm talking about by using a local example of wut I'm talking about...do I sound inbred? Well, I'm trying to make a point! Ok then...we got a few boards and councils and associations that have become a concern to me. My job here is to concern you with my concerns so we can be concerned together..like a family. So here's my concern: I'm really concerned! I went to the Carpinteria Water District meeting Wednesday and learned that they have a debt of..get this..one hundred million dollars!

$100,000,000!! I saw a local celeb there, Ann Bardach..she's a rabble rouser and looks like Nancy Pelosi! She said the CWD should just give up and declare bankruptcy!
Now here's where the political incest part comes in: The Santa Barbara County Taxpayers Association has a few members from Carpinteria..Carp councilman Joe Armendariz and June Van Wingerden, a private flower grower..June also sits on the Carp Water Board with Carp City Parks Director Matt Roberts...Roberts answers to Joe and the other city council members...Now, Joe and Lanny Ebenstein (who used to play Eddie on the old Munsters show) have been complaining to anyone who will listen about public sector salaries, making up facts to suit their theories..some private rich people pay them to do that...it's all a political game..nothing more and nothing less. They claim, hiding behind the silent money, to care about the taxpayers, but Joe has been mute, so far, about the huge Carpinteria water district debt and the increased salaries and benefits for the district workers..he's a Carp City councilman yet spends more time fretting about City of Santa Barbara employee salaries! Isn't that curious? Is it a case selective concern for the Santa Barbara taxpayers? or is he getting cash from Wendy McCaw to prop up sock puppets Francisco and Falcone? See how tangled this all gets and how it's not my fault!! I just connected the dots!! I'm sure I'll think of more stuff in the future...
and you should be very concerned......

Iya Love Lucy...

starring Iya Falcone and Dale Francisco

Looocy....I'm Hooommmeee!
I'll say it again...the Santa Barbara City Council meetings are the funniest thing going...it's like a sitcom! It's better than Seinfeld! better than "Cheers"..better than I Love Lucy! No wait, it is I Love Lucy! Watching Iya Falcone sit up there and talk circles around herself is hurting my brain, but tickling my funny bone (not that one)..watching Dale Francisco pander to the NewsPress is pathetic...Wendy and Travis own this dude. Watching Mayor Blum point out logic inconsistencies in Iya and Dale's arguments is priceless! The sniping back and forth is hilarious! Even Steve Cushman showed up.When the Mesa Madman Wayne Scoles was up there ranting, calling the city council worms, Cushman stood up and came to the podium, positioned right behind him. Cushman's a big dude and Scoles almost fell on his ass when he turned around to leave and saw Big Steve!! Let's see what develops, if anything, between him and the criminal News-Press. If he's clean, he looks good to go for mayor!
The council was voting again to pass the contract for City TAP (Treatment and Patrol) units. Last week they voted to pass it, but for some reason the law requires another vote....last week, Dale was absent, this week he was auditioning for a spot on the News-Press gravy train..Dale got a newsflash that the economy was tanking thus supposedly changing the contract scenerio. Ahh, Dale, the stock market was up 500 points on Monday! I bought Citi at $1.80, it's up to $3.05!

He wanted to delay the contract item for a few more weeks, to discuss this new economic information in closed session, and have another public hearing. Actually, he was just doing what Travis told him... STALL!!! Das and Helene were flabberghasted..what kind of political stunt are you pulling now, Dale??
Then Iya chimed right in, on Dale's cue, to tell the voters how much she yearns to listen to them..all five of them in the chamber who spoke against the raises! Ha Ha...she thinks the whole community is against paying city employees because of what the News-Press prints! Watch Iya, she gives long -winded monotone speeches, occasionally turns her head to the side, then looks straight ahead sleepily, then a crazy- Lucy-like look..instead of discussing the contract, she was giving a campaign speech to get NewsPress support..last week she voted for the contract, now she wants to "discuss" it more..after 8 months of negotiations!! SHE IS FOR SALE!!!
It was like she was hypnotized! Francisco's motion failed and the contract passed...
It is no joke to play politics with the employees salaries, and Iya's ploy showed her true colors..black and white and read all over!

be true to your school...

smokin' in the boys room...

So I'm reading the News-Press on Sunday and what do I see..a bunch of stupid things as usual! First, I read the LIFE section and there's a disgusting picture of Wendy and Nipper looking stupid with two other goofy looking white people..they were attending an awards ceremony for Laguna Blanca school..a private school I used to attend and got kicked out of back in the fun days..too rebellious was I! Most of the students were cool and smart and potheads to boot..I was clean and still the school messed with me! Laguna's a good school but for a few issues I found untenable..the French teacher was a c-u-n-t who couldn't teach French to Louie L'Amour..she had no right teaching anything to anybody, altho if she taught me how to lick her pussy I may have actually learned something useful...the other thing was they sent me home because my hair was too long..it touched my collar..HOLY FUCK!! What kind of crap was that?? I'm there to learn and the administrators are more concerned with how I look?? What a lesson that teaches..so I said bye dickheads, don't call me, I'll call you..and went off to seek my fame and fortune in the real world...
I am saddened to see how low Laguna has sunk..they've always depended on money from rich white conservatives to keep their kids from thinking too much for themselves, but now they are taking money from the likes of Wendy and Nipper..CRIMINALS...what a bunch of spineless sissies Laguna's administrators have turned out to be..I wash my hands of you!!
Now the second dumb thing I read was the editorial condemning the idea of a Lady Liberty statue replica that a private group wants to erect at the harbor for 4th of July..it's temporary, it might be fun, might bring in the tourist money, so why not? Santa Barbara used to be fun until the fun folks moved away and the zombies moved in...so let's support a little kitsch in stuffy Santa Barbara and celebrate freedom and democracy..the two things that Wendy's NewsPress hate!! If Santa Barbara can attach Beanie Baby Ty Warner's name to the Sea Center, surely they can allow the replica Statue of Liberty for some 4th of July fun!
I was "Born in the USA"!!