Once Upon a Time...

Some of you out there would rather I deal in fairy tales than the biting political/social satire I usually provide...ok..let's try!

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 am. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.He took care of everything." The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!Tell me his name! "Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, the something eater." _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend? "Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?" _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy. "Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy." _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Did you know..Captain Hook died from jock itch. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked.She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here. "Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,"What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees," said Tarzan...
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