Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Lipstick on your Collar....

Well..I didn't start this....

Sarah Palin did....if folks in Alaska put lipstick on their dogs, that is their bidness...if folks in the deep south put lipstick on their pigs that's their bidness.. that's why I'm so thankful I live in California where women wear lipstick, not the family pet as our model Wendy shows us...

& Eyebrows... have you noticed that people are fidgeting with their eyebrows nowadays. Especially pro baseball players...they look creepy...women are doing it too..I saw a woman on TV last night whose eyebrows almost went all the way around her eyes..she was a conservative commentator, a good looking woman but the brows just made her look like a liberal!
and then there's this new magazine out called "Health and Beauty"..it's a freebie but the guy publishing it has got the eyebrow thing going. I swear to God I did not draw those on!

The magazine has a bunch of resources about how you can look and feel your best..very important in today's vainglorious version of Santa Barbara.. there's spas, plastic surgery, skin rejuvenation, teeth whiteners, cosmetics, even a certified sex therapist!
Low self -esteem is a huge business! So go and knock 'em dead with whatever face you think looks best..we're all actors wearing masks anyway..what's the harm in treating your face like a pin cushion or a Betty Davis movie..who cares if you have self-mutilation issues?

I think this issue may raise a lot of eyebrows...

special bonus..Ty Warner buys 40 million dollar invisible house!



the day the earth stood still...

I was star gazing last night.The September sky is in full blazing Milky Way glory. Sometimes the fog obscures things and you just have to be patient... Jupiter and her moons are clearly visible in the southern sky..directly overhead you'll see bright stars, double gold and silver stars, and constellations abound...Cygnus the Swan is a favorite. You can see this mind boggling starfield really well with a good pair of binocs..15X70 ...and a basic 700mm telescope..The last time the sky was this wondrous was when Halle-Bopp was passing overhead and all those folks in San Diego decided to hitch a ride with an elixir of drugs and vodka..Godspeed mi amigos!
Well..this morning there was no fog. This was a rare event in September at 6:00 AM...normally it looks like pea soup outside..so I stumble out of bed, go to the kitchen to start the coffee, gaze out the living room window and see a bunch of stars in the south, over the ocean! There's a bright one, a few double stars in rungs like a ladder, and one cluster that absolutely blew me away..a Nebula that sent shivers down my spine and got me to thinking...maybe Craig McCaw was right about the aliens coming down and how we are going to deal with them...this is where all our energies should be..not the war, not the economy, not the hosers in Alaska..the answers are evident..all you gotta do is look up..if everyone on earth did this for 30 minutes, we would have world peace, which is my ultimate goal...

Gort.."Klaatu Barada Nikkto"

Monday, September 29, 2008

California Girls....

Heather..I'll help ya!


If Heather Locklear showed up on my front doorstep looking like her mugshot: ditzy confused sexy blond and drugged out...well, it would take a stronger man than me to fight the feelings of wanting to do her right then and there...but that's pure fantasy..I would be kind and gentlemanly with her...she likes guitar players so I'd play her a tune..then I'd fix her a spot of tea..then I'd take her shoes off and kiss her feet..whoops, fantasy again....let's see..I got a psyche background like Dr. Laura...I'll be Dr. Mick and impress Heather with my awareness and insight..I'll tell her I do weekend workshops at Esalen in Big Sur for girls like her..in other words, I'd gain her trust...slowly she would see that drugs are not the answer..acting is not the answer... guys from 70s hair bands are not the answer, Montecito is not the answer..botox is not the answer..I'm the answer to her problems... she needs structure and a simpler life away from the spotlight for awhile.. so Heather..stop wandering around in a purple haze and come see me...I'll fix you and I'll fix you but gooood!

special bonus: did Jill set up Heather?

This is the craziest story ever. The woman who called 911 on Heather Locklear is a former Us Weekly staffer who was under investigation by the FBI -- and she's the one who tipped off the paparazzi!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Sunday Morning Comin' Down...

and my delusions of grandeur....

Saturday I made two new friends..Al Paca-cino..and Dolly Llama!

The Carpinteria Triathlon is in full swing after I EXPRESSLY ordered a boycott!

The NewsPress is missing an opinion..Where's Travis..I haven't seen hide nor hair of him recently..I credit my blog for shaking things up at the NewPress..are they huddling trying to cease and desist me?

Dr. Laura is STILL crying about her dog and abortion rights!

Still no more full page anti-Teamster ads. Instead, Nipper has written us a half-page ad explaining how the negotiations are going. Now he says everything is hunk dory and the paper is bargaining..he says he wants to move forward and direct his energies to enhancing the NewsPress!
Maybe that's why Travis is MIA!

and you can thank me!

Saturday, September 27, 2008


...done with the work of breathing

Americans have the only culture who thinks people shouldn't die; then when they do, we have long funeral processions that create traffic jams...
but death happens..Paul Newman just died...he was 83, but Cool Hand Luke could never grow old...mothers die; fathers die;aunts and uncles die..brothers and sister and cousins die; friends and enemies perish, too.
Some folks go out creatively: Gram Parsons' friends took him to the California desert and burned him after he od'ed on drugs; some folks commit suicide, I guess because like Vincent Van Gogh, no hope was left inside on that starry starry night; but I remind my unhappy friends there is always hope..
Now, I see death as a competition. You gotta hang on..sometimes just to annoy people. If you outlive everyone, you win!
So it comes down to this: it's either you or me....I wish you no ill will but I'm very competitive and I hope you die before me...RIP

Friday, September 26, 2008

Ozzie and Harriet...

As a rule I don't pick on old women...

but Harriet Miller is the exception. Miller was elected mayor of Santa Barbara in 1995 and served until retirement in 2002. She was mayor on 9/11...she was responsible for the horrendous carousel and skateboard park. She is cozy with the NewsPress, a mommy figure to Wendy, and who knows what gifts Wendy lavished on her while she was mayor. Obviously not a gift certificate for a visit to the beauty shop or a facelift or wax job....
During her tenure on the Santa Barbara City Council, she voted for State Water and Desal....together! State water opened the sluice gates to more development...A few folks on the city council back then voted the same way..now they are on the Citizens Planning Association, who are anti-growth and want your money to help fight development!
Now I hear she is being honored for a Lifetime Achievement Award...I give her an award..for the worst mayor in the lifetime history of Santa Barbara...


Hal Conklin presented her award. He was her partner in crime in the halcyon days of the1990s..

Congrats Harriet!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Free Markets & Free Willy....

People are Strange....Beam me up..Wendy!

Says Craig McCaw: "The orcas swim in space that we don't very well understand and of course in outer space we will face some day the moral dilemma of how to deal with aliens who land on earth, perhaps, if in fact what people believe is true- and we will have the same moral dilemma in exchanging people or creatures back and forth with them for understanding.
What is right and to what degree should it be voluntary or not voluntary or for the good of society, theirs or ours? So we're on the cusp of some very difficult issues that we frankly aren't going to escape very easily. But it's quite clear to us that these are extremely intelligent creatures. That dolphins and killer whales are very much like us only with fins and there is a certain amount of mutual understanding that comes from this exchange. But I believe in taking risks to make the right thing come true. I have a wonderful moment in the TV show Star Trek where Captain Kirk says, risk is our business and makes a compelling case for why the purpose of all of this is to explore and as it were find what is possible".

That sounds like President Bush trying to explain America's money meltdown: capitalists are like whales without fins and sometimes they need our help... he wants to give billions to gamblers on Wall Street.. and I don't get it. Am I the only clod in America who sees that this is like trying to keep a pet whale... capitalism is not sustainable....I hate that word, but it is true..

There is a bright side to a money addiction....If I'm feeling down, I can buy some things that are sure to cheer me up.
Like these:

a marshmellow shooting bazooka....what is this.. a sex toy??

a $1400 Swiss Army knife..look at it! If the Army had these in Iraq, we would have won the occupation!! I feel better already....

Water Water..get yourself in that cool clear water...

Boycott Carpinteria Triathlon (or its sponsor!)

Why? Because this year it is presented by the Santa Barbara NewsPress...I don't know know what "presented" means, but having the NewsPress involved means there are purse strings attached. The Coastal View should have presented it, not the News-Press. The Carpinteria Triathalon should have said what Sarah Palin would have said: thanks, but no thanks!
I got no problem with the race, except when the skinny athletes run up highway 192, they leave a bunch of litter: water bottles. Hey, maybe that's why the NewsPress is sponsoring it..bottled water! Nipper is a bottled water expert...it takes brains to fill up a plastic bottle with tap water and market it as elixir from a mountain stream! I'd rather drink tap water treated by the water treatment plant..mountain stream water is full of bear, bird and lion poopnpee..and when it rains that stuff ends up in the ocean.. a natural event until some little dickweed surfer starts crying to Heal the Ocean...why doesn't HTO sponsor something?

Well, I'll be taking my concerns to the Carpinteria City Council..we don't need such shady, toxic, corrupt characters as the NewsPress trying to clean up their reputation in Carpinteria..AKA Mayberry by the Sea...

Santa BarbaraNewsPressBlog.com Presents:
the Carpinteria Triathlon..there..that's better!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

This is a Union Shop...

private busi..mess

I laugh everytime Wendy's rag takes a stab at SEIU or unions in general...talk about ostriches...just take a wild look around at all the private businesses ( AIG, Fannie/Freddie, Enron, News-Press etc) who are trying to destroy America or their own towns! Usually, these businesses are staffed by non union asswipes who are looking for a quick buck..the worst America has to offer..no work ethic, no ethics..period. Just a bunch of gamblers addicted to money and profits.. folks who got rich off the work of others..like Wendy! In other words, PARASITES!
Wall Street used to offer a reliable way to invest a little cash..pick a company, buy stock cheap, watch it grow..a long term legit investment..now Wall Street resembles a Casino..the name should be changed to "Craps Street"...and now we need the American people, many who worked for years in union shops, to bail out the hucksters and morons who bought homes they could not afford....
The unions are like regulators..they make sure the employer is going to give you a fair shake..they work on behalf of the work force..for wages, health benefits and a secure retirement...a simple concept that private business should embrace..some do, most don't...there are many private businesses of course that don't need unions..how long do you plan to work in a tee-shirt store or deliver newspapers. Unions are best for long term skilled career blue collar folks or unrepresented workers..people who provide a real service to communities....
So anytime you see the NewsPress repeat editorials about evil unions, it is done because Wendy, Nip and Travis are anti-worker, fearful, ignorant and feel a sense of entitlement to break labor laws due to Wendy's wealth...justice has been slow and half- blind regarding the NewsPress, and management continues to play the little victim..but private businesses who operate in this fashion are on the way out....an endangered species, an anomaly, a riddle wrapped inside an enigma, a pain in the ass, fools in paradise...

"you can fool some of the people most of the time"...I said that.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Shop til you drop....

"Wooly Bully"

I shop a lot on line and as a result some lowlife steals my credit card number every now and then..usually when I buy stuff overseas..the last time some jackass ripped me off he took a free roundtrip plane ticket from Spain to London..on me!
People got some nerve..so now I shop in the USA only and I'm happy to say I've found some cool stuff. I think I've managed to snag a few readers here at SBNPB.com so I'll share with yas!

I went to the rodeo a while ago and saw the cutest little bull wearing what looked like a thong over his horns...I wondered where I might get one for my women friends and like a miracle from Jesus hisself, I found where they sell them: Nippers store! They got everything you could want and I bought five thongs for the gals...I'll send them out in the mail with a little note...Lisa..wear this to dinner tonight, and remove during apertif"...Mick

here's the store..

Bloomingdales on the beach....

Me and my pal David Horowitz were hanging out in Montecito a while back. He was trying to re-route Islamic terrorists that may be lurking in Santa Barbara. I told Dave he needed to lighten up and let's go find some women like Reille Hunter...he smiled and said: "I'm short"..Now, that is true. Dave is short, about 5'2". But what he's done for the Jewish community makes him ten feet tall in my book. You know who's really short? the Iran leader guy..Smiley, I'll call him. Dave wants to bomb Iran everytime Smiley says something...they just had a rally against Smiley in New York where Jews were sounding like terrorists: KILL KILL KILL the Iranians! "You know, says Dave, being a Jew is more than just wearing black clothes, a beard and hanging out at La Guardia airport in New York! I said: yeah....

We decided to have drink and headed over to the Coral Casino..two little white kids were standing at the entrance, ushering visitors in...I went to the door and they squealed.."Sir Sir...you can't go in there"...Ty Warner doesn't like you..and besides, it costs $200,000 for a membership"....I said.... but I'm with David Horowitz..and he knows Andy Granatelli!..."Sorry" the kids say...
Dave looks at me like a boy who has lost his puppy..I looked at him like a man who didn't give a rat's ass...I remember this place years ago before Ty bought everything and started burning down his houses..it was really cool..casual, swimmers jumping off the pier. Now, the pier is long gone..everything is manicured, giant houses have replaced the old beach estates, fussy dog walkers abound, it is sterile and..lifeless. I asked Dave, is this how Jews like to live?

He looked at me like a little penguin and through his thick glasses,asked: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?I answered: Facing Bloomingdale's??
We laughed and went to the Biltmore for a drink and a princess...

Monday, September 22, 2008

I Like Mexican Girls...

"Monterey shines like a diamond in the sea..senorita come, and live there with me"

All you right wing Rush Limbaugh loving fools out there could have let President Bush leave office with a little dignity. You could have allowed for immigration reform..after all Mexicans have been here since the 1930s..the gov't even encouraged them to come here to help us while our daddies fought WWII...and they have been here ever since, doing the work that white folks won't do...white folks are too busy sending their precious little farts to college fraternities and sororities to teach them how to be parasites all their lives as evidenced by the stock market recently..the crash was caused by a bunch of trust fund babies who never did an honest days work in their little lives!
and they're all alcoholics. Now, I'm not saying that Mexicans don't drink..they did invent Coors beer, I think..and Jose Cuervo lives in Teeuwanna.
All I'm saying is that Mexican girls are hot..why send them all back? They ride the bus alot and I can see them sitting at the MTD bench..I can see them better with my binoculars..I picked one out who I really like! How do you say "I like you" or "I'd like to F@#k you" in Spanish? I guess I'm too shy to tell her...
Anyway, back to Bush...he was right about immigration..and that's all. You white racists out there let him down and you let me down and now I gotta look at Susie Creamcheeze (white girls are bores, except redheads) instead of Lupe, who is now getting carted off by immigacion as we speak....you neo-nutto- conservatives should be ashamed of yourselves!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Balloons for Everyone!!

not the ribbed ones!!

I don't know why I read the NewsPress..not for the stories, certainly not for the educational or informational benefits...I know, it's for the ads! A few weeks ago the NewsPress was using full pagers to denounce the Teamster's balloon tactics (using innocent kids to carry balloons with the message "Cancel the NewsPress" on them). After I posted my thoughts that the ads were subliminally suggesting violence against the Teamster guys, I haven't seen anymore ads! This is proof that this blog serves a useful public service.. pushing peace and love, brothers and sisters!
So I find an ad in the Sunday paper that uses balloons to sell advertising space...got a special occasion? Well, we got special rates for you..from births to baptisms to bar mitzvahs (damn Jews,they don't need special rates, they're the chosen ones!)
I thought the NewsPress was adverse to using balloons to sell a message, but they saw how effective the Teamster campaign was, so they copied it! However, I find it unconscionable they would use birth and infants to sell advertising. Further proof that Wendy doesn't really care about the children..and as Dr. Laura would say: Sad, really......

Saturday, September 20, 2008

the Lew and Travis Show..

there's no such thing as bad publicity,
so I'll do my part to help make Lew a star! Apparently, Lew and Travis met in county jail and became really close, close friends. They had both been busted on DUI charges..and lived to brag about it. They cooked up a scheme behind bars to make up stories about KEYT because Lew had been fired and because the station covered the NP meltdown.Travis would then print them as facts. Their joint venture would be financed by a rich old blonde from Hope Ranch (believe me, there's plenty over there).

After they got released, Travis went to Minnesota to be with his Chippewa tribe: Travis A of the Santa Barbara (Calif.) News-Press, is a registered member of the Leech Lake band of the Minnesota Tribe. The tribe operates Palace Casino and Hotel in Cass Lake, Northern Lights Casino, Hotel and Convention Center in Walker, and White Oak Casino in Deer River.

Minnesota Chippewa Tribe and Child Abuse....
Cass Lake, MN 218-335-8585
Funding will provide the opportunity to develop uniform, standard procedures for the Tribes, State, and counties to follow when working with Indian families involved in severe physical and sexual abuse cases in Minnesota. The project served as a consortium of four reservations (Fond du Lac, Grand Portage, Leech Lake, and White Earth) to develop model projects for handling child abuse cases. The primary objectives were to: (1) train Tribal staff and establish and train multidisciplinary teams; (2) develop Tribal ordinances, codes, and protocols; (3) develop collaborative State, county, and Tribal agreements to develop cooperative procedures; and (4) provide training to members of local Tribal Councils to improve the overall response to child physical and sexual abuse.

Lew went on to become a preacher, spell checker and a rapper. Says Lew... "I dropped out of school at a young age after many brushes with the law and become a recognized rap artist on my way to stardem as a teenager. After appearring on national TV, obtaining representation and several contract offers from major record labels in 1990, my career came to a hault when my father died of a heart attack at the hands of ciggarrettes... I became a Christian and married the following year, at the age of 18, and enrolled in Bible college where I quickly excelled, recieving my degree in Theology and becoming a licensed Minister with the Assemblies Of God. Being a born perormer, and a human with a big heart to help people, I was likened to a young Billy Graham. I preached in many churches". Lew has ADHD and can't spell worth a damn!
Lew got a job at KEYT but was fired for incompetence, or something. Feeling that everyone should love him, he couldn't accept the firing and set out to get even..just another disgruntled ex-employee...Wendy fired DOZENS of them and they've been trying to exact revenge ever since!
Lew's natural talent as a huckster helped shed some light on the anti-semites at KEYT...he has produced a video with help from News Press that will help end the scourge of private Jewish Christmas parties! He promises more vids are in the works....and I can't wait!!!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Don't let Heal the Ocean spoil your beach FUN!!

The Boss of the Beach....

is Hilary Hauser the new Mother Nature?
or just the queen of narcissim?

I dunno, she kinda looks like a dude..an old hippie dude. She started a thing called "Heal the Ocean" after some surfers (hey duuudes!) complained about getting sick while in the water. She immediately suspected that humans were the cause and set out to prove it..
she snuck into wastewater plants (trespassed) and grabbed samples without knowing what the heck she was doing. Any lab tech will tell you she ignored all the strict sampling protocols..well she didn't find anything. She did get loads of publicity, some celebs joined her cause, and people kept sending her money. Remember when the sharks were hanging around the seal rookery, they killed a seal. A woman also was found dead on the shore after her car was found abandoned on Santa Claus Lane.
Hilary was up in arms over this, suggesting the rookery was a threat to surfers for providing an easy seal meal to a shark.. she was obviously using the fear factor and still people kept sending her money..
As a life long scuba diver, world traveler, naturalist, water pro, poet and philosopher, and geetar picker, here's what I think: litter is one of the biggest threats to oceans; wastewater plants are the last, best line of defense against people polluting the seas..

Common sense should guide Heal the Ocean instead of hysteria....snooping around and trespassing into wastewater plants as Hilary Hauser has done, looking for smoking guns is not environmentalism!! You need to WORK in such an environment to separate fact from fiction...
You already pay taxes to have water & wastewater treated and the quality monitored, HTO tests are redundant and based on fear! It is nothing more than celebrity over science....there are lots of gullible folks out there..
Ocean Facts: The waters of the Pacific Ocean are already grossly unsuitable for human consumption. They contain highly toxic (to humans) amounts of salt and smaller quantities of almost every element and compound — hazardous and beneficial — known to man. Also present are an untold number of bacteria, including various dangerous ones from the intestinal tracts of land and sea animals. In fact, if it’s poisonous and exists anywhere on Earth, it’s in the ocean. SO STOP THIS SILLY TALK ABOUT "PRISTINE OCEANS"..

Citizens’ groups such as Heal the Ocean have long suggested that the city’s aging sewer system was leaking into the ground water and travelling underground into the surf. But preliminary results from the study, which is funded in part by Heal the Ocean, suggest that city sewers are not to blame. More taxpayer money wasted on another study! Common sense could have told her the outcome! The sewer system pipes aren't pressurized!!

The Groundwater Connection(Text from Heal the Ocean March 2006 newsletter RE: USGS Study of shallow groundwater beneath the City of Santa Barbara):

Travis Exposes Himself..

as an even bigger idiot than previously believed!

Gee Travis, if you're going to set everybody up for a big dinner party and then offer only pretzels and water, then you're gonna get some flack. Such is the case with the KEYT Christmas video..even Santa would be disappointed! YOU claimed for months and months in your NewsPRess column that you had some dirt on the folks at KEYT ....you claimed a racy XMAS party video existed, and when aired, would embarass Paula and CJ and the gang....you lectured them on ethics and leadership...all the while failing to look at the NewsPress, a place where ethics and leadership can't be found..anywhere!
Now, the video is out and people are watching it and...wondering what the hell you were talking about! So some television co-workers got together over the holidays and filmed themselves having some fun..gee, TV station employees filming themselves! What next? What were you thinking? Do you have crush on CJ? PeeWee?
SO Travis..what else ya got? Any bedroom videos of you and your boyfriend? Dr. Laura and her poodle Bebe engaged in inappropriate contact? Nipper in a drunken Tequila stupor? Wendy snorting coke?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Restaurant Dogs...

your little dog is about the size of a football...hmmmm

Dr. Laura has been crying for weeks about the treatment her pocket poodle got in Tre Lune, a Montecito restaurant. The restaurant policy is real simple: no dogs. What's the problem? The problem is people like Dr. Laura have pet dependancy issues..they treat their dogs like people, and fret when you don't! Well... I got news for these knuckleheads..dogs are not people, they are dogs. The only reason they hang around you is for food and shelter. When you pamper them, they turn neurotic, just like their "owners". Then I gotta tiptoe around the city so I don't scare them! Geez, if you're gonna treat them like people, at least give them some prozac..mellow them out..YAP YAP YAP!!

Healthy dogs like to play and roam..ranch dogs are healthy dogs. If you are going to have a dog, make sure you create a healthy environment...don't keep him cooped up in a condo all day!
Now, I enjoy a night out occasionally. The last thing I want ot see is Dr. Laura fiddling with her dog next to my table. I don't want her fleas on my mashed potatoes..and beaches... domestic dogs think the beach is their own water closet! You ever wonder where those high coliform numbers really come from?
Common courtesy should tell you: keep your dogs to yourself!!
PS...Cats are not bound by these rules

The NewsPress was for property rights before it was against them....

Wendy's version of property rights: STAY OFF MY BEACH!!

This is the same NewsPress that was crying that the Toro Canyon Plan was too restrictive against property owners. Back in the day when Randy Alcorn was CFO and kissing Wendo's ass to get his wordy opinions printed.. she and he were pro-growth and calling gov't workers miscreants.. that worked for awhile, then the NewsPress imploded. Alcorn almost developed a spine and criticized Wendy indirectly in his column, then Wendy unloaded him! Surprise Surprise! I almost started to respect her until her head started spinning around...
Now the NewsPress is croaking a different tune. They want to stop property owners from developing their land...
Land owners and developers are saying: out with the old and in with the new. Of course, that means the end of the old Santa Barbara downtown because previous owners didn't build out as much, even though the zoning allowed for it. The only way to halt the mega- construction is to declare the entire city an historical landmark, every building and blade of grass..then you could put some regulations on development...but could you deal with all the lawsuits that would follow?

Even with restrictions placed on development at Rancho Monte Alegre in Carp, this monster ranchette is one of the first ones erected there.It is not Governator Arnold's, but someone just as bulk minded,obviously. These ranchetes will be limited, so I'm not too mad. But this thing is right next to the recently built 3 Million gallon water tank..and the Carp Water District tried to tell us the tank was not for development purposes!
Carpinteria is lucky to have a strong agricultural history..the flowers and avocados have kept sprawl down..I'd rather see greenhouses in the hills than Las Vegas mansions...it takes activism to keep development down, not just a bunch of hysterical editorials!

Voodoo Child...

Evangelicals annoy the shit outta me...if we put anymore near the White House, we're doomed..the great USA is doomed! Why John McCain picked Sarah Palin for VEEP is a riddle, a mystery...I know he likes younger women, but the next president needs to think with his brain, not his johnson!
Evangelical Christians base everything on GOD not personal responsibility! You could conceivably kill a whole family of them and their flock would forgive you..there's no accountablilty in this group...you can sin sin sin and GOD will always forgive you..and GOD is magic, too! He gives you money and all kinds of cool stuff..and they call this spirituality...the bottom line is they are the worst enablers in the world... evangelicals can drink, rape & steal..and they will always be accepted and forgiven..for it is GOD'S will...and we are all sinners...YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING!!
Therefore, it is my conclusion that our beloved NewsPress is full of evangelicals...full of GOD...full of it!

Now, I read about Sarah Palin again and her voodoo connections
Palin linked electoral success to prayer of Kenyan witchhunter

voodoo Sarah

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

How to Stay Tan in Alaska....

"I can see Russia, but I can't see the sun!" says Sarah
Al Giordano of Narco News first reported that Sarah Palin has a tanning bed installed in the Alaska Governor's Mansion:
"The governor did have a tanning bed put in the Governor's Mansion," Roger Wetherell, chief communications officer of Alaska's Department of Transportation and Public Facilities, confirmed to this newspaper. "It was done shortly after she took office [in early 2007] and moved into the mansion."
Ben Smith of the Politico confirmed the report.
"She paid for it with her own money," Wetherell told Smith in an email.
UPDATE: US Weekly has more:
According to Wetherell, the tanning bed was purchased used, from a health club.
Tanning beds can cost up to $35,000 to install in a home - not including the cost of parts, Color Me Tan manager Erin Weise told the Narco News.
"I don't think it's normal for people to have a tanning bed in their house, " Wiese, who is based in Fairbanks said. "It's expensive."
Palin's running mate, presidential candidate John McCain battled skin cancer in 1993, and again in 2000.
"I coat SPF 30 on myself first thing in the morning, and wear long sleeves and a hat whenever I'm in the sun," McCain has told Newsweek.
Palin declared May 2007, "Skin Cancer Awareness Month." In the press materials it was noted, "Skin cancer is caused, overwhelmingly, by over-exposure to ultraviolet radiation from the sun and from tanning beds."

Melissa, Starshine and Paula and Joan...

Now... I want you to listen to me very closely..I did not have sex with that woman, Miss Palin.....

OK, we cleared that up, I'm innocent.

Instead of reinstating some reporters from the NewsPress golden era, they went ahead and hired a director of news operations! I saw the guy, he looks like a putz! and he's an ex- KEYT employee..maybe he and Travis can watch the KEYT video together, all alone..hee hee hee.Now, what does the news director do? He coordinates all those AP stories on the front page....Hell, even I could do that! Let me guess his salary...$100,000/year plus bonuses for all the dirt he has on his ex-fellow workers at KEYT. Look out CJ and Paula!

"I don't give a damn about a bad reputation!"....Joan Jett

Paula...when are you going to publish the video of the pole dance....give me the rights and I'll make you a star!
Melissa..you are a fox!
Starshine..you should run for vice-president...

girls just wanna have fun, I guess

Monday, September 15, 2008


Indians to Blame!!!

Taxpayers confused..CEOs get away with millions for ruining companies....rightwingers go after public pensions..you slaved and saved for years, now they say: hand it over!! Public employees say: FUCK OFF!
Casino mentality invades Wall Street...private sector looking for a quick buck....
and you can find it here!! Follow the signs on the Chumash Highway and head on over to the Chumash Casino...shiny prizes! new cars! bingo! HOT SLUTS...I mean SLOTS! Fiesta Mexicana! All the cliches and stereotypes you are not supposed to use on the Chumash, the Chumash are using you to sell the casino! Sell your trailer and invest in a slot machine!

Hot reporter Arti Nehru questions an Indian girl who says: what happens on the reservation, stays on the reservation!

Private companies messing up the economy...capitalism without responsiblity creating havoc! No government oversight or regulation under President Bush who still thinks the economy is strong!banks folding, mortgage houses burning....with leadership like this..who needs terrorists??

Santa Barbara Babe digs Ape Man...

Survivor Gabon...

Just when I thought all Santa Barbara girls were either drunken sorority nymphos or blonde- over-fifty rich ugly-ass divorcees, in comes Jacquie Berg like an ocean breeze. Ready to take on the task of survivor...Berg, a University of Wisconsin, Madison graduate, now lives in Santa Barbara, Calif., and works as a medical device salesperson. That means I get to watch her once a week scantily clad, skinny and dirty..my kinda girl!

"I'll be your Tarzan. you'll be my Jane, I'll keep you warm and you'll keep me sane, We'll swing from the trees and eat bananas all day, just like an ape man!"

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Come on down to my boat, baby....

Dr. Laura..let's have an affair!

I need to admit it..your tight little body and teeny little mind and squeaky little voice have become an aphrodisiac over the last few years. You think in black and white terms with no need to analyse .. it's either right or wrong. Like abortion..killing children is wrong...PERIOD! (except Iraqi children)...or pre-marital sex & shacking up is wrong (except with Nipper & Wendy, it's ok) and mothers with young children should stay at home (except for Sarah Palin)....and all your selfless charity work and trailer park common sense leaves me breathless!
I know you like old guys. The late, great DJ Bill Ballance was 54 and you were 28 when you started the affair that launched your radio career... and your old man, Lew is 84 and is the spittin' image of Bill, may he RIP (Bill not Lew)....I'm younger than you, but I got an old man's heart of gold, like Neil Young!
Our first date could be under the guise of an interview...just tell hubby Lew some guy named Mick wants to axe you a few questions...then we'll head over to the harbor and your boat will be our little love nest! We can sail over to the Channel Islands, anchor at Pirate's Cove, seal the deal & rock the boat!
My past is littered with women..all weaklings and crybabies. Now, I need a challenge..a real woman who has shown me that ethics are for saps! We'd have fun, Laura, I promise....meet me at the harbor tomorrow at midnite..and I'll take your soul....
love, Mick

NewsPress Hires New Sports Director...

Dodgers Win! Dodgers Win!
Wendy emailed last night and asked me to introduce the new Sports director to you! Here he is..Reynoldo Schwarzenegger
Rey is also a lawyer, private dick, and owns a wine tasting room in Los Olivos, called "Backwards". Rey is related to the governator although Arnold denies it. Rey's first assignment will be adding up all the baseball scores of all the games since the beginning of the season and presenting it at a city council meeting during public comment..this will be the first time a NewsPress employee has addressed the council face to face, in public.
The NewsPress has a drug screening policy that applies to some of her employees and Reynoldo passed with flying colors! We look forward to welcoming Rey to the local Sports community and Wendy guaranteed the Sports section will be bigger and better in the days to come.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Unity Floppes..

People smile and tell me..am I'm the lucky one?

There are a few things that keep Travis burning the midnite oil...dreams about dreamy Kenny Loggins, Mayor Blum and KEYT ..Editor Travis, in his newly minted Saturday column ("keep him outta Sunday's paper!" says Wendy) continues his mental monopoly with those who helped embarrass him during the News-Press mutiny and to remind us how trash gets recycled...
Travis pines for the days when Debby Davison was scowling at us from behind the anchoring desk or when Gabe Saglie was working there. Gabe Saglie? Geez, the guy is a poodle! Then he mentions the infamous KEYT party video again...Travis is obviously obsessed with the TV staff antics on the video..repeating all this stuff must relieve his anxiety about the drunk driving episode in which he was totally humiliated....and the place he was arrested is a known gay hangout (so I'm told)...the miserable indeed love company.
Now, I have no use for KEYT either unless I want to know who got killed in Oxnard..they need to get back to focusing on the real local news and give some televised opinions about the NewsPress tactics.. they need to return fire!

A smart thing KEYT did last year was to stop sponsoring the Unity Shoppe Telethon, which we all know has become nothing more than some rich guilty white folks giving their leftovers to poor Mexican folks and filming it once a year...now that's humiliating!
It's better to give to the Rescue Mission or Salvation Army..and you don't need a phony telethon to do it. Just leave your stuff on the doorstep and they come to pick it up! The Salvation Army staff can fix anything.
Last year's Unity Floppe telethon was hosted & sponsored by the NewsPress and it was shocking to the eye...Nipper was carousing around dressed in a gold lame suit like a casino lounge lizard, Dr. Laura showed up weighing in at about 80 pounds, some crazy dude was singing onstage and some poor Mexicans were grabbing canned goods off the shelves..that's not a telethon..that's a sitcom!!

A Candy Colored Clown...

in dreams, I walk, with you...
I'm in my bar downtown, getting ready to open, a goofy looking guy with glasses is sitting in the corner laughing at me. In walks a big fat Indian dude, looking like a Casino bouncer and he starts casing the joint, starting at the windows. He starts measuring them like I ordered a set of blinds! I go up to him and ask him what he's doing..."I was sent" he says. Then another guy walks in and sits down at the bar...he's already got a drink. "Who are you?" I ask. "Ben "Rock" Powers" he says.
"Rock"? I ask sarcastically.."what are you, mafioso? come to hit me?"

He looks down at his drink and tells me a gal named Wendy wants me to stop...then he smacks his fist into his palm! I was a little frightened..he looked like he was from Sicily, then, strangely, I became exhilerated...and then pissed off... I thought to mself..you can't come into my bar and threaten me...I moved in closer to him, high on adrenaline and Viagra, and then, the whole scene moved into my old house with my old girlfriend who was having sex with a guy while I watched from another room..they didn't even know I was there! then I woke up....
So the question is..what good is a 4 hour boner in a two minute dream...

Friday, September 12, 2008

Weekend Chores...

Saturday's Work Detail...

I've seen Travis complaining about other people's property..he goes out, takes pictures, comes back and writes about it....hey, that's what I do except I don't get paid $200, 000 a year for it! Anyway, it is time to institute a PPP..Productive Performance Policy at the NewsPress..from now on, the two main characters at her Newspress need to show a little pride and get some exercise to boot. I'm talking about elbow grease.... I'm talking about turning loafers into laborers..

I've noticed many NewsPress news racks looking frightful.... real bad.They need a paint job and new graphics applied.
I want Travis and Nipper to work as a team on this one. Strip the paint, apply some primer, paint them and apply new graphics:Santa Barbara News-Press...say it loud, say it proud! Do it yourselves and DO NOT hire union workers to do it for you! They'll be on strike before the paint dries and we don't need that.
Any questions??..here's a quarter, call someone who cares.....
Now, if you do well on this task, Nipper and Travis, I'll let you paint my kitchen!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

every picture sells a story..

don't it??

There's two types of people who read the newspress ..smart ones like me and morons who think Dr. Laura is a real psychologist... I read it for entertainment, the dummies read it for information...this post is for the dummies.

the question is..are the full page ads with giant pictures of Teamster guys causing some of the unbalanced News-Press readers to attack the guys handing out the balloons?
the New-Press labor violations are shameful enough, now they are taking out full page ads in their own paper telling their mentally challenged readership to beat up the union guys! Of course, the message is subliminal...like lipstick on a pitbull or panties on a pig, but I'm afraid Wendy's flock may actually believe she's clean and go out do her dirty work! Instead of recognizing her paper has unionized, she continues canoeing down da Nile and using her divorce money to destroy her own paper and bust the union..what a friggin' brilliant business plan!
The reason Wendy doesn't get the working class is because she belongs to the wealthy criminal class...the ex-wives club who looted their rich husbands bank accounts.

Wendy, if you can hear me (pretend I'm holding a bullhorn): Cease and Desist! Cease and Desist! Your ads are causing possible criminal subliminal behavior. One of your readers has already allegedly (means he did it) accosted a union guy for standing on a corner at Home Improvement Center. It's getting scary out there on the streets of Santa Barbara..it's like the Night of the Living Dead zombies are pouring out of De La Guerra Plaza like little Travis clones attacking the Teamsters..who's next..homeless? journalists? city council members? non-foodies? retirees? bloggers???
Geez Wendy..GET A JOB!

Mr. Southern California

I had a choice..

.....go to Goleta and see Travis and gal pal Gary Earle moderate (YAWN) the Goleta city council candidates debate..or go see Mr. Southern Califonia.....

Brian Wilson and band were in high spirits Wednesday night at the Lobero. "Let's rocknroll, Santa Barbara" and then the lively, sold out crowd was treated to some high energy Beach boys hits.. "Do You Wanna Dance"?? he asked, then launched into the song..everyone, including me, was up dancing in the isles...his band was rock solid and professional, helping Brian sound very good, indeed. Taylor Mills added great back-up vocals and of course, is the perfect California Girl.. Brian seemed very relaxed and happy to be there..folks were hooping and hollering to be in the same room with this guy, whose music can send a chill down your spine with a chord change...among the many highlights was a rollicking version of "Sail on Sailor"...you just couldn't sit down!
After the first set and a break, the band came back with a string section and performed the new concept album "Lucky Old Sun"..full of gorgeous music and Beach Boy type quirkiness..much like a continuation of " Smile" and "Holland" musical brilliance.. and an ode to Southern California...two encores included "Johnny B Goode" and "Help Me Rhonda" and the crowd just couldn't get enough... thank Brian for finally bringing some good vibrations to the De la Guerra Plaza neighborhood!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Bombs Away..Dream Babies!

I went to the Bombardier Polo matches in Carp..man it was fun...I saw that pip pip English chap who writes for the paper-in-question..he was hammered! I sat down to have a little chat and he dropped a bombshell:
"pretty soon they are gonna raze this polo field and build a fookin' casino".. then he put his hand on my leg! "Hey... wait a minute" I exclaimed.."I'm not gay"...he looked at me with bloodred eyes and slurred..sorry mate..I thought you was my fookin' editor!
Needless to say, I left that fool alone with his spirits...the match was spot on good, the horses were specimens, the women were of high pedigree with noses somewhat pointed upwards all the time. All in all, I like the polo crowd.... I hope they like me...

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

the Bull-itzer prize for fiction goes to.....

The New-Press!

Try as they might, the NewsPress couldn't stop the Miramar project from going forward...hurray for the newly enlightened Montecito Planning Commission for moving the project along. Editor Travis, despite all his writings about the evil Caruso team, continues his fictional delusions....
The Miramar is not a designated landmark, nor are the cottages..there is no need to keep the old buildings other than nostalgia...Schragger and Warner bailed on their projects for a reason...no vision.. if you have observed the Miramar for the last ten years, you'll see the claims by the News-Press that the cottages were kept in good condition is pure fiction....restoring them is not going to happen!

I told Caruso at the meeting that Travis Armstrong seemed very excited about Rick's email invite to him for a cup of coffee. Travis bragged about it in his News-Press column. I asked Caruso if he was intending to wine and dine Travis, he laughed and said "I'm still waiting for a reply"...
The most interesting comments came from a few guys in the audience I spoke with. One fellow said he worked on the Bacara, some of Ty Warner's property, and even on the Miramar project for both Schragger and Warner..he said Warner went in and secured the foundations on some the cottages but did minimal work due to the poor condition of the structures..termites, rot, etc.
The Montecito Planning Commission was up to some of its old tricks..asking the same questions over and over...but they seemed to be in better spirits. Chair Beirig was not threatening to remove folks who showed emotion, like applause or laughter, and he moved things along when commissioners started repeating themselves..now that's real leadership and a vast improvement over the last few meetings... I have to praise Commissioner Sue Burrows. She comes across as a bit ditzy at first but has shown to be a fighter and rather clever...

Monday, September 8, 2008

Mr. Moderation

What is up ...
with Goleta these days.. is the city council playing musical chairs? First the NewsPress endorses, then denounces, then endorses, then denounces...first there's not enough growth, then there's too much..ex-council members are running again..maybe Goletans will get to the bottom of it on Wednesday when the current crop of candidates debate. The two moderators will be Gary Earle, and if that isn't funny enough, Travis Armstrong! If Travis knew how to moderate, he would not have tried to drive on the city streets in the wee hours tanked up on booze a few years ago..maybe he'll show everyone how sobriety can change a person, although he has become more sarcastic without the Jack Daniels! But the NewsPress supports her employees unconditionally (some of them, anyways!!)

California Girls

Anyway, I won't be in Goleta on Wednesday, Sept 10 7PM at the Goleta Valley Community Center...5679 Hollister..I'll be watching beloved super crazy music genuis Brian Wilson at the Lobero...."harmony is always better than cacophony" said the beautiful Mother Cabrini


Hi..my name is Mick Von Caw

...I was out shopping for domain names and bought "SantaBarbaraNewsPressBlog.com and thought the paper in question needs a blog and a host! That's where I come in..this will be a dirty little blog, full of lies, gossip, some true stuff and..well, it'll be kinda like the paper in question! Can u dig it? Hey..let's go have a little fun.....