Heather..I'll help ya!
If Heather Locklear showed up on my front doorstep looking like her mugshot: ditzy confused sexy blond and drugged out...well, it would take a stronger man than me to fight the feelings of wanting to do her right then and there...but that's pure fantasy..I would be kind and gentlemanly with her...she likes guitar players so I'd play her a tune..then I'd fix her a spot of tea..then I'd take her shoes off and kiss her feet..whoops, fantasy again....let's see..I got a psyche background like Dr. Laura...I'll be Dr. Mick and impress Heather with my awareness and insight..I'll tell her I do weekend workshops at Esalen in Big Sur for girls like her..in other words, I'd gain her trust...slowly she would see that drugs are not the answer..acting is not the answer... guys from 70s hair bands are not the answer, Montecito is not the answer..botox is not the answer..I'm the answer to her problems... she needs structure and a simpler life away from the spotlight for awhile.. so Heather..stop wandering around in a purple haze and come see me...I'll fix you and I'll fix you but gooood!
special bonus: did Jill set up Heather?
This is the craziest story ever. The woman who called 911 on Heather Locklear is a former Us Weekly staffer who was under investigation by the FBI -- and she's the one who tipped off the paparazzi!