A Bold Fresh Piece of Stupidity...

downright squirrelly...

Awright..I've been picking on Dr.Laura and Wendy et al..let's see if I can take some self-abuse as I, to paraphrase an irate reader, disgust against myself..
First off...I'm an idiot..flunked out of every school I attended. I messed up my first marriage by drinking too much, my second marriage by having an affair with an 80 year old woman... I was the spring and she was a dry gulch.. I've been single ever since and get my jollies by squeaking the squirrel on my neighbor's roof at night! I'm a loser!
I'm on welfare..ie, I got a good pension..and I hate dogs..the little shitbags hump my leg and spread disease on our beautiful beaches...then they lick their asses and lick their owners faces..geez, don't we have a Health Dept in Santa Barbara?? Shouldn't that be illegal? It certainly is immoral in my book.
People hate my guts, esp my family, who treat me like dirt because that's what I am....
My father used to scream at me in the morning:

Why did it take the moron an hour to eat breakfast? Because the orange juice carton instructions said Concentrate ! !

I plan to write a book and sell it on this website..it's called: "A Bold Fresh Piece of Stupidity" by Mick Von Caw with an intro by certified sex harasser Bill O'Reilly. I've never done anything worthwhile in my life and this blog proves it...

there..ya happy now???

Special Election Section...

Listen up you little faggots!

If you think I'm gonna vote no on proposition 8 so you can get married you are crazy! I'm a proud Catholic and the bible says "NO FAGS!" .. marriage is a sanctuary set up by our lord Jesus between a man and a woman...a child deserves a mom and dad, not a dad and a dad or a mom and a mom or a dike and a dad..the "nuculer" American family is the last best hope for civilization..it is a healthy nurturing place even if dad is psycho and if d-i-v-o-r-c-e was illegal, it would be even happier..like Disneyland.
You gay people need to get back in the closet and close the door on your disgusting activities...you make me sick. You will go to hell! The one good thing is two gay guys can't have an abortion, so I support that.
You should come to my church where we turn queers into normal people..I'll pray for you and who knows, you might meet a potential husband or wife here...you will be heterosexual even though sex is evil says my pastor, although in confession, he breathes funny and groans when I talk and tells me I'm cute?! Then he asks if I'd like to have a session with the wise master!! That's why I don't like confession anymore...I think he's homo...
But you better get straight! We need heroes more than ever and my heroes are Ronald Reagan and Billy Graham..God fearing Christians who loved their families and America and tried to protect us from the most evil of evils.... ourselves...
NO on 8!! I mean YES on 8!!
whatever....

Sunday's Sermon...

are you hung over and puking you guts out? GOOD!! you can thank Debra Saunders...

she's a conservative columnist with some sage advice for young people..a tit full of tequila is good for teens!
"At age 18, an American can enlist in the military, vote, sign a contract, get married, have an operation — hey, in California, a 14-year-old can have an abortion without telling her parents — but he cannot buy a beer. Not legally, anyway.
How can we trust 18-year-olds to vote or run for office, but not to legally buy a beer?"
Now, how can she logically tie drinking to voting, enlisting or getting a married? She can't cos she's a dope!
debrathedope

The message she should be sending to teenagers is: Question your leaders, followers, educators, parents, and yourselves to create your own code to live by..not easy but well worth the effort. In order to do this, you need a clear head. Schools should be teaching drug and alcohol theory.. If you have inclinations to follow some famous folks down the drugs and alcohol use and abuse road, fight it, duck it, and keep moving. Keep your eyes open for the ways this culture tries to hook you..ads, wine-tasting rooms, lame traditions passed down from college.. then start to evaluate what it is they are asking you to do.....poison yourself!

WHY DO HUMANS LIKE ALCOHOL?
Why do people like booze? Some folk will tell you that it's because drink tastes terribly nice - particularly to a person who's 'into' fine wines or (maybe) Real Ale.
But the actual reason why the grog is so fantastically popular is because it's a DRUG - and a very agreeable one. It's the effect of alcohol on the brain that makes it so pleasant.
What does it do to the brain? Well, you may have heard that it's a 'stimulant'. In fact, that's totally untrue. Booze is actually a DEPRESSANT or SEDATIVE of brain function - very like the general anaesthetics which are given to people when they're having surgery.
So if it's a depressant, why does it make you feel jolly? Simply because it begins by depressing the parts of the brain which is responsible for RESTRAINT and INHIBITION. Once these are 'damped down', you start to feel uninhibited and free-and-easy. You're much more likely to laugh, and joke, and dance - or even do something slightly silly!
But if you have a bit more booze, then the drug starts depressing the bits of your brain which deal with co-ordination and speech.
And if you have quite a bit more, then sadly the alcohol will depress your brain so much that you end up unconscious - or even dead.
MYTH: if used in moderation alcohol is jolly good for cheering people up, and for easing the social wheels - particularly over the Christmas / New Year holidays. Depressants don't "cheer you up".
WHY CAN ALCOHOL BE BAD FOR YOU?
Unfortunately, alcohol is addictive.
And alas, regular drinking of substantial quantities of booze can very easily damage your liver, your heart, your brain, and other organs. Among the biggest threats is cirrhosis of the liver - which (quite honestly) is a pretty awful illness to suffer from.

Hey Deb..got a little Captain in ya??

You've Got Mail...

well..I finally heard from a lawyer

I woke up this morning from an awesome dream, then read my email..and now I know what it feels like to be Wendy McCaw, or anyone else who gets their money for nothin'...the fuzzy people

This is for your attention:We wish to notify you again that you were listed as a beneficiary to the total sum of €4,600,000.00 (Four million Six hundred thousand Euro) inthe intent of the deceased (names now withheld since this is our secondletter to you). We contacted you because you bear the surname identity andtherefore can present you as the beneficiary to the inheritance sincethere is no written will.Our legal services aim to provide our private clients with a completeservice. We are happy to prepare wills, set-up and administer Trusts,carry out the administration of estates and prepare and administer powersof attorney. All the papers will be processed in your acceptance. In your acceptance ofthis deal, we request that you kindly forward to us your letter of acceptance, your current telephone and fax numbers and a forwarding address to enable us file necessary documents at our High court probatedivision for the release of this sum of money.Yours faithfully,Ruben Gonzalez.

knock off the BS Ruben and send the check!

Avocados and Indians

Ahau' everybody...

I love Carpinteria..it's the only place that hasn't been paved over with development due to a strong agricultural history, from the lima bean fields on Santa Claus Lane in the 1950s to the greenhouses in the hills to the avocado orchards...it is a great place to hang out...and there's are plenty of mini-controversies to keep us happy..councilman Joe Armendariz drunken car crash while speeding thru the windy Montecito hills; Joe's cleaned up his act and now drives a shiny new Mercedes! The stars have moved in too, although I will try to make life difficult for them if they sully our good name. Rob Lowe and Arnold are on probation. I've teamed with a few like minded individuals and formed the "Carpinteria Alliance" to keep our town, not that I even live here, from turning into Goleta!
This weekend the CARPINTERIA AVOCADO FESTIVAL will take place...that's the original name until some outsiders changed it to the CALIFORNIA AVOCADO FESTIVAL...these dickheads will pay for diluting our little party. Anyway, it's a good old fashioned festival so come on down and if you see some ugly fuck with a cheapo camera, it's just me!
The ongoing controversy that keeps us all happy is the high school mascot issue..which is growing far beyond anyone's expectations...pitting neighbor against neighbor, wars of words, battle cries and intrigue that now involves the Board of Supervisors office, according to my soul sisters at newspress.com...
Of course, it will all work out to everyone's satisfaction. Iris Dement once sang: "I can see the sun setting down on our town, our town, goodnight"...If it starts to set on Carpinteria, I may have to step in and clean house....
hau!

Banned Blogs Week?

I plan to put forth legislation to control content on all blogs, and in books and newspapers in the Santa Barbara area.. I will decide what is appropriate...consider yourselves warned!

Banned books week in Sept 27- Oct 4. Celebrate your freedom to read! Banned Books Week is the only national celebration of the freedom to read. It was launched in 1982 in response to a sudden surge in the number of challenges to books in schools, bookstores and libraries. More than a thousand books have been challenged since 1982. The challenges have occurred in every state and in hundreds of communities. People challenge books that they say are too sexual or too violent. They object to profanity and slang, and protest against offensive portrayals of racial or religious groups--or positive portrayals of homosexuals. Their targets range from books that explore the latest problems to classic and beloved works of American literature.
Here’s the list of the "10 Most Challenged Books of 2007" in descending order:
"And Tango Makes Three," by Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell"The Chocolate War," by Robert Cormier"Olive’s Ocean," by Kevin Henkes"The Golden Compass," by Philip Pullman"The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn," by Mark Twain"The Color Purple," by Alice Walker"TTYL," by Lauren Myracle"I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings," by Maya Angelou"It’s Perfectly Normal," by Robie Harris"The Perks of Being a Wallflower," by Stephen Chbosky.
And Lindale, Tex., banned "To Kill a Mockingbird" from a school reading list in 1996 because it "conflicted with the values of the community" — leading one to wonder just what Lindale’s values are, and why anyone would want to live there. If they banned this book then there would be no movie and I wouldn't cry at the end like I always do!
To celebrate the week, the American Library Association -- not to mention publishers, booksellers, and me -- encourage you to pick up a banned book -- and enjoy!

The Dr. Laura Channel!

fresh as a daisy...

Did you catch Dr. Laura's new show on YouTube? It is a must see. Dr. Laura covers the gamut of topical issues..from modeling her own line of cruise wear to giving no-nonsense advice on personal matters. She'll answer questions and even handles the camera herself...
I was so excited to watch her new shows but was shocked when I thought I saw what happened when she thought the camera was off...she started talking about Sarah Palin and kept rolling her eyes and went "yuck" and stuck her finger down her throat in a faux-hurl! Then it appeared she started making fun of certain Alaskan children by making funny faces..disgusting....Dr. Laura..you should be ashamed of yourself! Hey..maybe I was dreaming!


But why would Laura promote herself on YouTube? Because she can't get a show on TV, obviously..Dr. Laura Schlessinger's syndicated TV show may have been short-lived, but that isn't stopping her from heading for YouTube. The Dr. Laura Channel will feature fresh weekly video content, video blogs, answers to listeners' questions, and behind-the-scenes footage shot by Dr. Laura, Take On the Day, Schlessinger's syndicator announced Tuesday (Sept. 23).Schlessinger, the most-listened-to female radio Talk show host and the third most-listened-to radio Talk program in the U.S., airs on more than 250 radio stations...(long live payola!!) She also writes a newspaper column for (muttonheads) at the Santa Barbara NewsPress, streams her radio show, does podcasts and even (masturbates) her little poodle doggy!! The Dr. Laura Channel will feature fresh -as- a -daisy- (douche) video content posted weekly by the popular air personality, including video blogs of Dr, Laura not seen anywhere else, answers to listeners’ questions, and occasionally, behind-the-scenes footage shot by Dr. Laura (playing with herself.. )


Geoff Rich, President of Take On The Day, the production company co-owned by Dr. Laura and Mr. Rich, said everything not in parentheses: "This is a great opportunity for Dr. Laura to reach many more people than those (jerkoffs) who listen to her radio program every day. We're trying to get something other than (white trash) to watch us and we’re excited to be partnering with the leading video website to help Dr. Laura’s fans and interested followers find exclusive, freshly (douched) content every week. We look forward to creating more interactive opportunities for visitors to The Dr Laura Channel on YouTube."

parenthetically mine..er... yours!