Sunday, November 9, 2008

Sunday Bible Study...

Some of you there people there are there need some betcha, there..

Whip out your good book and turn to page 59...sayeth Jeremiah:
Prostitution....Legalize prostitution! Yeah!
"If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found, Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver.... (Deuteronomy 22:28,29)
Exhibitionism And Public Sexual Intercourse ...I don't feel so bad now!
"Thus saith the Lord, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbor, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of the sun. For thou didst it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel, and before the sun." (II Samuel 12:11,12)
"And Ahithophel said to Absalom, Go in unto thy father's concubines, which he hath left to keep the house, and all Israel shall hear that thou art abhorred of thy they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house; and Absalom went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel." (II Samuel 16:21,22)
Adultery ...Adultery is cool!
"Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her." (Description of a punishment to be laid on anyone who fails to observe all of the commandments, Deuteronomy 28:30)
Like slicing salami...
Found in: Exodus 4:24-26
Continuing the Bible’s fascination with all things foreskin, we get the bizarre story of God trying to kill Moses because his son isn’t circumcised. God is about to obliterate Moses when his wife Zipporah takes out a flint and quickly cuts the foreskin of his son (ouch), throwing the bloody skin fragment at Moses’ feet. "You are a bloody husband to me!" squeals Zipporah, flint in one hand, child in other. God, clearly freaked out by this woman, backs off and Moses is saved.
The moral of this story? Never turn down a woman for being a psycho. Someday she may save your life.
A novel way to show your love....
Found in: 1 Kings 18:25-27
Before Byron, before Casanova, there was David. Young and in love, David desperately wants to marry Saul’s daughter Michal and offers Saul anything he wants to let him marry her. What could Saul possibly want? Money? A vow of love? No. Saul wants foreskins. 100 to be exact. Why? Who cares. If you want my daughter, you’re going to have to find 100 foreskins by tomorrow. David finds this odd, but then again this girl is hot, so he goes out and kills 200 men, and collects their foreskins. It’s only then he remembers that he only needs 100 foreskins. Oops. Oh well, maybe if he hands over twice as many foreskins, Saul will be doubly as impressed. Indeed he is and duly hands over his daughter to David.
The moral of this story? Never be ashamed to do crazy things for love.
Balaam and his talking donkey....
Found in: Numbers 22:28-30
Balaam is just minding his own business, spanking his ass (donkey) when suddenly he hears a voice. It’s his donkey who is asking him why he is spanking him. Balaam doesn’t seem the least bit miffed that his donkey has starting talking in the same language as him and says, "Because thou hast mocked me." The donkey then gets philosophical and explains the nature of their relationship and how his feelings have been hurt. Eventually they make peace. Oh yeah did I mention it was TALKING DONKEY?
The moral of this story? Don’t beat animals. If they could talk then they would probably tell you how upset they were.
Onan – cautious, yet foolish
Found in: Genesis 38:8-10
A story so eponymous, it gave way to its own neologism – onanism, an archaic term for masturbation. Basically, God kills Er. Why? We don’t really find out. However, in a stroke of good luck, Er’s father, Judah, has given you the right, nay the duty, to have sex with your dead brother’s wife. Onan is a bit apprehensive at first, but agrees to go through with this bizarre scheme to create a ‘true heir’ to Er. He begins to have sex with the girl, but at the last minute decides to pull out and spill "his seed upon the ground." God is so irked he decides to kill Onan too, and thus nobody gets an heir. This story is the basis for the Christian condemnation of masturbation and birth control.
The moral of this story? In the words of Monty Python, "Every sperm is sacred…"
you there..withdrawest thou thy hand, even thy right hand??

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