William and Mary

won't do..and I'm never goin' back to my old school....

so Lanny Ebenstein fancies himself an educator....yeah, he's an educator like I'm Shakespeare..

but I did spend a little time in school...one particular school was Laguna Blanca in Hope Ranch...above Lake Placid.... I spent two years there and then got kicked out...now, on the whole it was a good school with lovely people...but it did have some issues..as a matter of fact, back then, we all had some issues...serious issues

I remember I had a good political science teacher..and a good English teacher....and we had a great physical education program even though some of the students got busted for inhaling marijuana....

we were on the track team and ran all over Hope Ranch..one day we kept running all the way to that awesome private beach down that little tree shaded lane...it was a beautiful place and we hung out on the sand watching the girls all day..the Laguna brass was not amused and so the next time we ran, our geometry teacher shadowed us on his little Honda 90 trail bike! it was funny..

and then there was that Nevill Cramer dude who wrote book called "Montecito Boy"... hmmmm.. he was a short old English Dapper Dan type guy with zero personality and a mustache...one day at school he told me to shave my mustache off...it was just peach fuzz above my lip but apparently it bothered him or maybe turned him on too much...there was something unnerving about an old man obsessed with my boyish good looks...

and later Nevill sent me home because my hair was a half inch over my collar..and this was in the Beatles era! big fucking deal Nevie...he'd flit around the grounds in a tweed coat trying to look important.... you know Nevill, I never could figure out what you did at Laguna!??

people who try to thwart or block my progress as a student should not be in education..public or private..therefore, I learned early that my education was my responsibility....and folks like Neville have been in my crosshairs ever since..and I heard that Nevie had a tough time of it, a fellow faculty member ran off with his wife or some wife swapping was going on.. blah blah blah....

mom and dad, were you aware of this??????? and you wanna hear my sob story?? it'll rip your hearts out, I tell ya..maybe I'll share it later

blonde on blonde

and then there was the twin religious sisters..two smart pretty blonde girls who loved Jesus more than boys..they were daughters of a Montecito reverend...

when we grew up, I saw one, my favorite one, the one who reminded me of Bridget Fonda glistening in the sun, in the Olive Mill Bistro bar one night.. I was surprised given her religiosity.. I was at the bar listening to Jock McKaba do "Black Magic Woman", and nursing a Heiniken when she came in....of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into this one....

she saw me and her eyes got big....and I tried to put the moves on her, but she bolted! ran right out of the Bistro..I swear to God!! damn...can you imagine what would have happened, what could have happened had she stayed..I'd be pastor of her church right now....pastor of her heart..I coulda met Jerry Seinfeld!!!!

you see, their brother married Julia Louis Dreyfuss~ Elaine from Seinfeld...now for some reason Elaine thinks she's a water pollution control expert and hangs out with Hillary Hauser from Heal the Ocean... lesbos? perhaps..not that there's anything wrong with that!

also we had a great rumored -to-be-gay Latin teacher who worked really hard to make me smarter...the kids made fun of him but I liked him...unfortunately, he killed himself ..God knows why...it was sad....

we'll always have Paris
and how about the French dept at Laguna....it consisted of an old guy called the Colonel, who was an ok teacher but smoked like he had a death wish....

and a lady I'll call Mrs. P who sucked as a French teacher...she could have sucked my dick in the girls bathroom and I still wouldn't want her as my teacher...I learned absolutely nothing about French kissing or France from her...she showed little cartoons on a slide projector and told us to explain them in French...WTF?? I sat in class in back and just made faces at her....witch

the best French teacher I ever had was Santa Barbara Jr. High..Mr. P-Achhh....fantastic and is the reason I love zee French today....thanks for being such a great teacher...

but those were some fun times...here's looking at you, kid