celluloid heroes....

success walks hand in hand with failure, along Doggywood Boulevard....

I had a dental appointment in Santa Barbara (Doggywood) yesterday..the first day of the Film Festival...I got anxious because Santa Barbara is so celebrity conscious now....I asked myself should I dress up just to go to the dentist..what would others think of me if I didn't ? then I said no way, it's hiking boots, shorts and a turtleneck..if those Hollywood Reporters don't like, it they can kiss my ass!! and by the way, I was not attacked by one homeless person!!

so after the appointment with the drillmaster, I checked out the festival..it hasn't even started yet but look..there's the famous Arlington marquee! and over there, a woman walking her dog..and there.... a guy walking his dog...whew, he stunk of perfume or maybe his dog did or maybe his dog was his bitch?? I wouldn't be a bit surprised with all these new fluffy people walking up and down the sidewalks...pampered by over protective parents and now they can't even bare to look at a bum sitting on a bench! and Dale Francisco is their spokesman!! oh no, the dog just lifted his leg and peed!! Santa Barbara doesn't have a homeless problem, it has a dog problem!!! well, being that the festival starts in a few hours, there's still time for me to enter my mini-documentary...called "Benches"....

Benches.. a short still film by Mick Von Caw

the 50,000 dollar question is how to turn around a bench in Santa Barbara for less than $50000...can it be done? assuming you're serious about spinning benches, yes it can be done..the advantages of having benches face the other way are many..first, you get a fresh perspective..instead of looking at a building, you can now look at a hedge unless the hedge gets shaved down with a new ordinance...a spun bench offers tourists an invisible safety barrier against bench dwellers...so all you got to do is follow my directions...first, notice that the bench has four legs, each attached to the concrete base with nuts and bolts...one bolt per leg...next all you gotta do is loosen and remove the nuts with a 1/2 inch wrench...1 bolt per leg times 4 legs = 4 nuts ...keep them in a little jar or container so you don't lose them..then you can lift the bench off the bolts and turn it around (get a homeless dude to help you) and place it back on the same bolts! then put the nuts back on and fasten them with the wrench..you're done..it took about 15 minutes to turn the bench around...you could charge the city about $500 and save them a bundle!

the end...