I'd have more luck finding a Chumash Indian squaw in a teepee than a bear in the hills of Carpinteria...I'd have more luck finding a sober person in Santa Barbara than a bear in Carp woods...
I'd have more luck finding a pig in a poke than a bear running through an avocado grove...I'd have more luck.....well you get the idea...
so the news that a lady named Emily got attacked by a black bear in her avocado orchard gave me paws.... I saw her on KEYT, seductively lifting up her top for KEYT reporter John P-the mustachioed Mr. Man About Town- exposing her scratches..you could also see her fleshy back and her beige frilly bra, and the back snap part...those come off pretty easy as I remember...and John was rubbing her back, fingering the scratches with surprising familiarity...hmmmm
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| you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours! |
but uh..ok I'm skeptical that it was a bear attack..the last black bear that made the news in Carp was the one who was hiding in a tree on Foothill, by Rancho Monte Alegre a few years ago...I suppose if you pissed off a black bear it might attack esp if you had a few annoying dogs with you, but generally black bears are wussies...they see people and run away
now I've been around the ranches and Carp farm girls and they do smell funny and can be a little wacky, esp the Van Wingerdens...but if they wanna have sex with you, generally they just lay down in the avocado orchard on the leaves and branches and rakes and pitchforks, naked and you just dive right in....and believe me, someone always gets scratched!! I can't bear the thought of Simone or anyone getting hurt, so I'm sorry about Em...but
I went looking for the bear but all I saw was this big NO on P sign by June's place..wacky June
so the question is where'd those scratches on Emily's back really come from?? seems like the Palm was up there pretty quick to do the story and a black bear was blamed pretty quick...
do either of these two, John and Emily, have an alibi???
this bears investigating!
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